PhD and Parenthood: An Insider’s Story
by Nguyen Tan Thai Hung
A friend of mine who finished her PhD and then had a child told me having a child is like doing a second PhD. If she’s right, I had been doing two PhDs at the same time for three years, and since January, I have been doing three.
My son, Max, was born two months before I started my PhD. After my last job, I was a full-time dad for a month and grew really close to him. Then I started school, the transition was tough. Switching from having a rigid schedule as an engineer to having flexible time as a student, I faced the curse of flexibility: every day I had to make a choice whether to work at home and be around Max or to go to the office to be more effective. And I dreaded making that choice. I wanted to spend more time with Max, but I needed more time for work. I thought about Max when working and thought about work when parenting. I became severely stressed. We’ve heard about separation anxiety in children, but I felt like I was the one having it as I said goodbye to Max in the mornings.
Get help
Fortunately, my school offers counselling services to students at no cost. I booked an appointment. Digging up my history, the counsellor unravelled my anxiety: I was not close to my dad, and I didn’t want that to happen between my son and me. I was overcompensating. I felt relieved after that session. I’m not my dad. I wasn’t happy when my mom told me that he had to quit his PhD when I was a baby, and I wouldn’t want Max to think that he’s the reason for my struggles. I want him to be proud of me. And there are many ways for us to bond besides spending time during the workday. So, I made a change.
Change
I started working most days at school and then focusing on parenting in the evening: changing Max’s diaper, giving him a bath, feeding him, reading to him, and singing him to sleep. At home, I can work around his nap time. I have the flexibility, but I don’t have to use it all the time. Flexibility comes in as necessary: when Max is sick, it’s easier for me to bring him to the doctor because I don’t have to take leaves like my wife does. Later, when he started going to day-care, I got to be “the transporter”. And because I don’t have a fixed time to show up in the office, I could take my time having breakfast with Max, getting him ready, and enjoy a bike ride together while showing him all the fun things on the streets. I don’t have to rush him every morning like many families do. To be honest, it took me two years to make peace with that; at first, I would often look at the clock and think “It’s already nine and I’m not leaving the house yet!” But now I’m calm and enjoy the mornings—as Max grows older the mornings have become much more fun too. Also, I found a way to make up time: I now start my days at around five AM and have a good two to three solitary working hours before parenting duties kick in.
Do it all over again
After three years, everything seemed to be in order. And then my daughter, Dawn, was born, and I had to start over again. But this time I had more experience. So, although I still face the flexibility dilemma, I try not to regret my decisions. I’ve learned to be mentally prepared for interruptions when working at home, and to not feel guilty when working at school. I have less time with Dawn than I used to with Max, but I know that we’ll have lots of fun as she grows, and I long for that day by day.
Support system
I would be missing a big part of the story if I didn’t tell you about my support system; to do a PhD you need a good one, and even more so with two kids. My wife is the strongest support of all, right from the moment I told her I wanted to quit my job for a PhD. She believes in me. She has always been there to give me an emotional boost when I’m stressed (for a PhD student that’s rather frequent). She reads about PhD life to understand what I’m going through. My travels put a burden on her, but she always encourages me to go.
I count on my parents and parents-in-law as well. They take turns to come over whenever I’m away for conferences or workshops—this is a big deal as they live in different countries. Most especially, my mom-in-law came to stay with us for a year to help us with Max, and soon she will come for another year to help us with Dawn.
At school, I have an advisor who is supportive and understanding, and a group of we-are-in-this-together friends. They are also students who are parents, thanks to whom I feel I’m not alone. Max fell from bed early one morning, that day I was a lost soul at school. A friend came over to check in on me. He told me that both his children fell off the bed when they were small, and that all children fall no matter how hard you try to protect them, so you can’t keep blaming yourself for it. That was comforting.
But the most surprising support, which I didn’t realize at first, came from my children. They help me switch off from work, give me my daily dose of laughter, and make my life meaningful. In fact, they help me keep my sanity.
There were times when I felt hopeless, but looking back, I think being a parent while doing a PhD is a blessing in disguise. Being a student helps my parenting, and being a parent helps my student-ing. Besides this symbiosis, it is also important to seek professional help when needed (I would probably have become depressed had I not), and having a good support system of family and friends is crucial. I hope my story resonates with other student-parents out there. We’re not alone, we will make it through. And who knows, maybe years later we’ll look back and realize that this is the best time of our lives.
Nguyen Tan Thai Hung
PhD student, Singapore University of Technology and Design, Singapore
If you have questions or comments concerning Hung's post, please leave a comment below, or send him an email. You can also connect with him on Twitter.
A friend of mine who finished her PhD and then had a child told me having a child is like doing a second PhD. If she’s right, I had been doing two PhDs at the same time for three years, and since January, I have been doing three.
My son, Max, was born two months before I started my PhD. After my last job, I was a full-time dad for a month and grew really close to him. Then I started school, the transition was tough. Switching from having a rigid schedule as an engineer to having flexible time as a student, I faced the curse of flexibility: every day I had to make a choice whether to work at home and be around Max or to go to the office to be more effective. And I dreaded making that choice. I wanted to spend more time with Max, but I needed more time for work. I thought about Max when working and thought about work when parenting. I became severely stressed. We’ve heard about separation anxiety in children, but I felt like I was the one having it as I said goodbye to Max in the mornings.
Get help
Fortunately, my school offers counselling services to students at no cost. I booked an appointment. Digging up my history, the counsellor unravelled my anxiety: I was not close to my dad, and I didn’t want that to happen between my son and me. I was overcompensating. I felt relieved after that session. I’m not my dad. I wasn’t happy when my mom told me that he had to quit his PhD when I was a baby, and I wouldn’t want Max to think that he’s the reason for my struggles. I want him to be proud of me. And there are many ways for us to bond besides spending time during the workday. So, I made a change.
Change
I started working most days at school and then focusing on parenting in the evening: changing Max’s diaper, giving him a bath, feeding him, reading to him, and singing him to sleep. At home, I can work around his nap time. I have the flexibility, but I don’t have to use it all the time. Flexibility comes in as necessary: when Max is sick, it’s easier for me to bring him to the doctor because I don’t have to take leaves like my wife does. Later, when he started going to day-care, I got to be “the transporter”. And because I don’t have a fixed time to show up in the office, I could take my time having breakfast with Max, getting him ready, and enjoy a bike ride together while showing him all the fun things on the streets. I don’t have to rush him every morning like many families do. To be honest, it took me two years to make peace with that; at first, I would often look at the clock and think “It’s already nine and I’m not leaving the house yet!” But now I’m calm and enjoy the mornings—as Max grows older the mornings have become much more fun too. Also, I found a way to make up time: I now start my days at around five AM and have a good two to three solitary working hours before parenting duties kick in.
 |
| Bike time: to school and beyond |
Do it all over again
After three years, everything seemed to be in order. And then my daughter, Dawn, was born, and I had to start over again. But this time I had more experience. So, although I still face the flexibility dilemma, I try not to regret my decisions. I’ve learned to be mentally prepared for interruptions when working at home, and to not feel guilty when working at school. I have less time with Dawn than I used to with Max, but I know that we’ll have lots of fun as she grows, and I long for that day by day.
 |
| Three years apart, same routine—left: nap time is coding time, with Max; right: nap time is paper time, with Dawn. But I was much more tense before, even when taking a selfie. |
Support system
I would be missing a big part of the story if I didn’t tell you about my support system; to do a PhD you need a good one, and even more so with two kids. My wife is the strongest support of all, right from the moment I told her I wanted to quit my job for a PhD. She believes in me. She has always been there to give me an emotional boost when I’m stressed (for a PhD student that’s rather frequent). She reads about PhD life to understand what I’m going through. My travels put a burden on her, but she always encourages me to go.
I count on my parents and parents-in-law as well. They take turns to come over whenever I’m away for conferences or workshops—this is a big deal as they live in different countries. Most especially, my mom-in-law came to stay with us for a year to help us with Max, and soon she will come for another year to help us with Dawn.
At school, I have an advisor who is supportive and understanding, and a group of we-are-in-this-together friends. They are also students who are parents, thanks to whom I feel I’m not alone. Max fell from bed early one morning, that day I was a lost soul at school. A friend came over to check in on me. He told me that both his children fell off the bed when they were small, and that all children fall no matter how hard you try to protect them, so you can’t keep blaming yourself for it. That was comforting.
But the most surprising support, which I didn’t realize at first, came from my children. They help me switch off from work, give me my daily dose of laughter, and make my life meaningful. In fact, they help me keep my sanity.
 |
| Weekend trips to the parks help me to recover and be ready for the next deadline |
There were times when I felt hopeless, but looking back, I think being a parent while doing a PhD is a blessing in disguise. Being a student helps my parenting, and being a parent helps my student-ing. Besides this symbiosis, it is also important to seek professional help when needed (I would probably have become depressed had I not), and having a good support system of family and friends is crucial. I hope my story resonates with other student-parents out there. We’re not alone, we will make it through. And who knows, maybe years later we’ll look back and realize that this is the best time of our lives.
Nguyen Tan Thai Hung
PhD student, Singapore University of Technology and Design, Singapore
If you have questions or comments concerning Hung's post, please leave a comment below, or send him an email. You can also connect with him on Twitter.
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